Jovial Idiots
by Eternal-Flame-Babe
Summary: Sanji seems to have developed an unusual infatuation towards the ship's sniper. The guy is never far from his mind. It's a good thing there are plenty of distractions when sailing alongside the Straw Hats.
1. Chapter 1

**This chapter is set before the Water 7 Arc. I was inspired by Hori Tomoki's doujin, The World is Mine. You don't have to be familiar with the doujin, but I've made little tributes here and there.**

 **Special thanks to my beta DarkSunrise19.**

 **Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Eiichiro Oda. I own nothing.**

* * *

It was a beautiful day aboard the Going Merry. The sea shone brilliantly in the sunlight casting the rippling surface in an array of hues from warm yellows to shimmering aquamarine. Waves lapped gently at the bow of the ship. Sprawled across the figurehead lay the captain, lulled to sleep by the rocking vessel.

Chopper recently recovered from a fever, and was currently fishing together with Usopp, the shitty moss head was probably off sleeping anywhere but on a real bed. More importantly were the ladies lounging in bikinis. Nami was appreciating the weather, soaking up the rays in the reclining chair, and by her side sat Robin with a book in her lap.

Sanji observed them from the platform overlooking the deck below. _'Ah yes. It is a beautiful day indeed.'_ A far away look formed on his face as he became lost in a fantasy.

 _"Sanji." Nami purred. She bat her eyelashes at him and flashed a coy smile. "Could you help me put sunscreen on my back? I can't reach."_

 _Robin garnered his attention by drawing the strings of her bikini top loose. Without facing him she lay down on her front. Summoning her devil fruit abilities, Robin sprouted an extra arm from Sanji's chest. That lovely hand gripped his tie and hauled him forward._

 _"Do me next." Robin cast a sultry look over her shoulder. Her third arm grazed his collar bone enticingly before a rough baritone voice jarred him back to reality._

"You look like a perverted kappa."

Figures that good for nothing swordsman had to impose on his mood.

"Don't interrupt other's daydreams," Sanji glared at the offending man.

"So that's why you were making such a disgusting face," Zoro sneered.

"I think you mean charming."

Zoro's answering snort caused the veins in Sanji's neck to throb. What pissed him off even more was the damn plant head's reply.

"Delusional is more like it."

"I'm impressed," Sanji praised derisively, "Who knew you had such an extensive vocabulary? I would've pegged a muscle brain like you to bench press books rather than read them."

"You picking a fight, Dart brow?" Zoro snarled, his hand instinctively going to the swords at his hip.

"You're the one who instigated it, Moss head," the blond cook snapped back, and tapped his foot against the planks with irritation.

The conversation continued on like that. Both men exchanged insults back and forth, tip toeing that barrier where it would escalate into a full on brawl. That is, until Sanji became distracted by the sound of muffled snickers.

The source of the sound belonged to Chopper, who hid his amusement behind raised hooves. He now stood together with Usopp on either side of their unconscious captain, their fishing poles lay discarded on the floorboards below.

Sanji focused on the sniper in particular. You would think by looking at Usopp's serious expression that he was doing something important, like performing surgery, instead of something so trivial as doodling a furrowed set of eyebrows on Luffy's face.

Usopp stepped back to look at his handy work. Striking a contemplative pose, he held his jaw between thumb and forefinger. After a beat he snapped his fingers as if having an epiphany. Usopp then passed the paint brush to Chopper. The reindeer looked unsure of what to do with it before Usopp crouched down and whispered something into his ear. Chopper then nodded eagerly, and took Usopp's place beside Luffy. With the brush held steady in the cleft of his hoof, the little doctor made zigzagged strokes above Luffy's lip to paint a peculiar shaped mustache. He mimicked Usopp's stance when he pulled away to study his own crude drawing.

Both boys sputtered as they unsuccessfully struggled to contain their chuckling, the noise waking the object of their prank. Luffy gawked at the two of his unraveling nakama in sleepy bemusement. Chopper practically howled at this point, his furry body rolled on the floor as tears prickled the corner of his eye's. Usopp's poker-face crumbled as he finally lost it as well.

Sanji paid close attention to the way Usopp tossed his head back, and held his stomach when he laughed. It was kind of endearing and obnoxious at the same time. The corners of Sanji's mouth quirked upwards as he unknowingly smiled along with him.

"Oi. Listen to people when they insult you." Zoro grumbled. Any other person would've prodded or pinched him to get his attention, but Zoro took it one step further by swinging his arm to connect with the side of Sanji's head. If the pain that exploded behind Sanji's temple wasn't enough to snap him out of his reverie, Zoro's next words certainly were. "You having another perverted fantasy?" Zoro asked as he grabbed the cook into a headlock, and followed the direction of Sanji's stare to look at one of the three idiots in particular. "Were you checking out Usopp? You've been looking at him a lot lately."

Sanji's reaction was instantaneous. His head swerved around in the moss heads hold, eyes nearly bulging out of his skull in shock. He had heard Zoro correctly, right?

"Of course not. He's a man. What are you implying, Morimo?" He replied a little too hastily, and shoved Zoro away.

"You're smart. Figure it out." Zoro smirked at him. _Fucking smirked._

That was it. Sanji didn't give him a warning before his leg stuck out preparing to sweep Zoro's feet out from under him. Zoro leaped away, that taunting smile in place. It made his blood boil. He wanted to kick him, just once and he'd be satisfied.

"Fight back asshole, don't just dodge my attacks!" Sanji shouted. Sending another kick aimed at his solar plexus. Zoro blocked his leg by crossing two of his swords together to create an 'X'. The blow from Sanji's kick pushed him backwards but Zoro's feet skidded and held his ground.

Nami's eyebrow twitched in irritation from the commotion they were causing.

"Hey, Sanji-kun," Her sickly sweet voice rang out. A tight lipped smile stretched across her face. "I'm thirsty. Could you get me a drink?"

"Yes ~ Right away Nami~swan." Sanji sung as he spun around, and ignored Zoro, which seemed to annoy the swordsman a great deal. It must've went against his 'never turn your back on a fight' rule.

"Che." Zoro's jaw clenched. "What an obedient dog."

Sanji faltered in his steps, his teeth reflexively ground the cigarette between his lips to dust. Tossing away the obliterated fag, Sanji calmly retrieved a new nicotine stick and raised the lighter to his mouth. He took a deep drag, then exhaled in a plume of smoke.

Striking like a cobra, Sanji delivered a swift kick to Zoro's head, which the swordsman was fortunate enough to shield at the last second.

"Who're you calling a dog?" Sanji seethed.

He bent his knee, leaning his weight against Zoro's sword before abruptly pushing off. He sailed through the air, catching his balance when gravity pulled him back down. "We'll continue this later." Were his parting words before he traversed through the kitchen doorway. The moment the door clicked closed behind him, he was bombarded with a barrage of anxious thoughts.

He'd severely underestimated Zoro's selective perceptiveness. Now, Sanji had to berate his own lack of self-restraint for letting himself get distracted during their argument. The blonde believed he had been subtle in his observations of Usopp, but apparently he hadn't been subtle enough.

Sanji straightened his already immaculate tie and suit before moving purposefully towards the cabinets to start the lemonade, or the others would start to wonder what was taking him so long. He couldn't dwell on the subject any longer, there would be plenty of time for that later.

He exited the kitchen some five minutes later. A pitcher of freshly squeezed ice cold lemonade in one hand, and a tray balancing two glasses in the other.

"Here you are Nami-san~" Sanji said, setting the tray between the two women after a twirl of adornment. He filled each glass 3/4 of the way full and then handed one to the redhead.

"And one for you Robin-chan." He offered the other drink to the archaeologist who accepted it gratefully.

"Thank you cook-san." Robin said.

"It tastes great, Sanji-kun. Thanks" Nami added, taking another sip.

"You're welcome~! Anything for you ladies~!" Sanji pirouetted away in a state of bliss. With his back facing the others he froze in place. He untucked the cigarette case from his breast pocket, placed a new smoke to his mouth, and flicked his lighter to life. "There's an extra pitcher in the kitchen for the rest of you shitty bastards." He said, his personality shifting a complete 180 degrees when he addressed the others.

Usopp and Chopper's snickering came to a stop and together they whooped before making a beeline for the kitchen. Getting so excited about something like lemonade. Those two were really simple.

The rest of the day was uneventful. There weren't any marines or pirate hunters chasing them. They had just restocked all their supplies the other day, so there was no hurry to reach land.

Despite all that, something was troubling the captain. It seemed like no matter how many funny faces Usopp and Chopper made, it didn't seem to have any effect on Luffy. They even brought out the big guns, and shoved chopsticks in their noses, but Luffy ignored them in favor of staring thoughtfully at the ocean's surface. While this behavior distressed the others, Sanji already had enough on his plate and he could honestly care less about his strange captain's mood.

To try to distract himself from his swirling thoughts, Sanji spent the next few hours pouring over the East Blue cookbook Robin gave him for his birthday. He was in the middle of reading a recipe about grilled blue-finned elephant tuna when he realized that he should really get started on making dinner.

 _'I'll prepare something cool since it is a humid night.'_ His thoughts were interrupted by Luffy's sudden exclamation from across the deck.

"I see it now!" Luffy raced over to his friends while pointing to his face with a proud smile. "Guys, guys, look! I grew a mustache."

To which the much of the crew joined in a chorus of, "You were staring at your reflection the entire time!?" and, "You made us worry for nothing!"

Nami curled her fist and knocked Luffy over the head.

"You idiot, it's drawn on!" She yelled.

Sanji shook his blond head as he stood, book in hand, and disappeared into the kitchen before he could bear witness to any further antics. Surveying the cupboards, he made a mental checklist of all the dishes he could serve. He finally settled on whipping up a batch of cold udon. And for dessert they would have mochi ice cream. When dinner was finished, Sanji called everyone in for dinner.

Luffy was the first to arrive of course. Following the captain came Usopp, who was panting like he had just finished running. And trailing after him was Chopper. When Robin and Nami appeared, Sanji jumped at the chance to pull their seats out for them. Last to show his ugly mug was predictably Zoro. Honestly, Sanji wouldn't put it past that directionless moss head to get lost while trying to find the kitchen.

"Where's mine?" Zoro asked, glancing at the empty spot on the table where his food would normally be.

Sanji merely tilted his head, indicating to the corner of the room where he left Zoro a little present; a dish with the word MARIMO scrawled in all capital letters.

"Dogs eat on the floor." Sanji deadpanned.

"I'm not eating that." Zoro said firmly, crossing his arms.

"Fine then. Let your pride get in the way of a perfectly acceptable meal. Luffy can have your share. In fact, he already has the same idea~!"

Zoro watched helplessly as the captain stretched his hand across the room, and then retracted his arm with the dog bowl in his grip. Zoro's stomach protested with a growl, and Sanji had the pleasure of watching Zoro's iron like will crumble in front of his eye's.

Luffy lifted Zoro's meal above his head, preparing to flip the bowl over and let the food drop into his salivating mouth, when Zoro stopped him in the nick of time by using the blunt end of his sword to give Luffy another lump on his head.

"Ow! Why'd you hit me!? You said you didn't want it." Luffy cried, rubbing the sore spot where Zoro's sword had been.

"Yeah, well. I changed my mind," was the swordsman's surly reply as he attempted to pry Luffy's fingers off his food. But the captain was adamant. "It's mine. You can't have it." Luffy bared his teeth and snarled like a feral animal.

Both men played a game of tug of war over the bowl and Sanji let them know there would be hell to pay if they made a mess out of his kitchen. Once he was done shouting, Sanji took his place at the table and was drawn into a conversation.

"When did you even get a dog bowl, Sanji? I don't remember seeing that around here before." Nami mused.

"I think it's safe to assume Cook-san purchased the bowl with Doctor-san originally in mind." Robin answered.

"Oh, Mellorine~! Beauty and brains! You're exactly correct Robin~chwan. It was before when I thought he was a tanuki." Sanji swooned, squirming in his seat.

"Eh-" Chopper paused mid bite. "I'm not a tanuki, bastard! I'm a reindeer!" He said indignantly, dropping his chopsticks with a clank. He crossed his arms in front of himself looking every bit like a petulant child.

"Eat your dinner or you won't get dessert." Sanji said with his no nonsense attitude. Chopper didn't need any more convincing than that and shoveled down his food with gusto.

Usopp's laughter wafted above the noise around the table.

"You sound like a mom," Usopp chuckled, mirth twinkled in his eyes. "You even spoon fed him when he was sick. It was really cute."

Sanji would've kicked his ass if Usopp hadn't sounded like he was making an innocent observation. That's what he told himself, at least. And that's the story he was sticking to, damnit!

"I don't want to hear that kind of thing from you." He ducked his head, not wanting the others to see his blush. He pushed up out of his seat. "Ok, who's ready for dessert?" Chopper raised his hoof cheerfully. And Sanji used the opportunity to step over to the refrigerator and hide his face. The temperature from the freezer did wonders to cool his burning cheeks.

\- o - o - o -

Sanji took care of the dishes by himself. It was better that way since everyone else (other than Nami and Robin of course) managed to screw up something so simple. Besides, what kind of man would he be if he allowed the ladies to help clean?

Sanji tucked away the last of the clean dishes into the cupboard. He put off evaluating his thoughts for long enough. The cook sighed as he collapsed onto one of the stools, and mulled- or rather agonized over Zoro's words from earlier.

 _"Were you checking out Usopp? You've been looking at him a lot lately."_

Did Zoro actually know anything? Or was he bluffing? Sanji hoped he was just trying to provoke him and nothing more, but if that was the case, then what was the meaning behind that smirk? Gah, Zoro could be such an enigma sometimes!

Sanji bent forward in his frustration and grabbed fistfuls of his hair to yank at the strands. It was out of the question to confront the swordsman. That would only make him more suspicious or confirm what he already knew. But what did he _'know'_ exactly? That he liked Usopp a little more than a self proclaimed ladies man should? Sanji himself didn't fully comprehend his attraction to the sniper. That was what made this entire situation completely helpless.

Engulfed in his thoughts, he didn't take any notice to the sound of the door swinging open.

"Hey, Sanji, I found your missing cuff link! It was rolling around..." His intruder trailed off.

Sanji flicked his gaze upwards to find Usopp gaping at him.

"What?" Sanji inquired, "Is there something on my fa-" He dropped his hands in horror as he belatedly realized both of his eyebrows were on display. His hair fell in a curtain over his face and he hunched forward. Sanji expected to hear Usopp's mocking laughter, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was an unintelligible stutter.

"C-" Usopp choked. Sanji raised his head to gauge the snipers reaction. "C-" He was taken aback by the sparkles he saw in Usopp's eyes. "Cool! You gotta show everyone!" Usopp bolted for the door, but was stopped when it was slammed closed by a black leg.

"No one can hear about this. Especially that marimo!" That asshole would never let him live it down if he found out his eyebrows went in the same direction!

"Eh, why? They're so cool. Your eyebrows look like waves. They channel that circular energy!" Usopp said. He took Sanji's thrown expression as a request to elaborate. "Ok, so. Everyone lives in circles, right? The sun, the moon, and the earth all spin around! And If the earth suddenly stopped spinning, it would be a disaster, tidal waves everywhere!" He gestured with his hands to show how violent the outcome would be. "So basically. If you hadn't joined the crew we'd have to eat Nami's terrible cooking and we'd all die from food poisoning." Usopp summarized.

"You dare insult a ladies cooking?" Sanji lifted his foot in warning.

"It was a joke! I was joking." Usopp shied away from him, holding up his hands in surrender.

Sanji planted his foot back onto the ground and lowered his gaze in a rare moment of vulnerability.

"You don't think my eyebrows are... odd?"

It was Usopp's turn to look confused. Then as if something occurred to him, he chuckled. Whereas Sanji would normally be comforted by the sound, it had the opposite effect on him now.

"Is that why your bangs cover one eye? Because you think your eyebrows are weird? I thought it was because you were trying to be mysterious." Usopp laughed again. Sanji stiffened up in response. "So, it turns out even you have insecurities."

"What's this? It seems I forgot to sharpen the knives." Sanji nonchalant as can be reached for the cutlery. He was satisfied when he saw Usopp tremble slightly in his peripheral vision.

"I'm sorry! I won't push it anymore. Please stop with the threats. I wasn't making fun of you." Usopp tried to appease the cook by smiling meekly. Sanji would never let him know how well it worked.

"Yeah, yeah. Hand over my cuff link and then beat it." Sanji said dismissively.

Usopp was halfway out the door when he paused, and glanced over his shoulder.

"And don't worry. I won't say anything," he vowed before ducking out of the room. Coming from the liar, his promise didn't hold a lot of weight, but for some reason Sanji believed him.

"Eyebrows channel circular energy, hmm?" Sanji whispered to himself, shaking his head slightly. Despite his earlier scolding, he was glad Usopp said what he did. A strange warmth spread in his chest the more he thought about Usopp's words.

* * *

 **I don't know if any of you hardcore One Piece fans noticed, but I quoted Eiichiro Oda directly when Usopp was talking to Sanji about his eyebrows. The unaltered quote goes like this:**

 **"Hey! You, sit right there! Now listen! Everyone lives in circles! The sun, the moon, and the earth all spin around! And! If the earth suddenly stopped spinning! It would be a disaster, tidal waves everywhere! Now remember that Sanji's eyebrow channels that circular energy! Reflect upon this! You may go!" -Eiichiro Oda**


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is set before the Water 7 Arc. Also, I'd like to** **thank my extremely helpful beta DarkSunrise19.**

 **Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Eiichiro Oda. I own nothing.**

* * *

Snores, and the occasional rustle of fabric enveloped the men's cabin. The serene atmosphere was then broken by the sharp crash of ceramic against hard wood.

Sanji's eyes flew open in alarm. He sprang up into a sitting position before waiting for his sight to adjust to the darkness of the room. His head swept over the sleeping forms of Chopper and Usopp, and searched for anything out of place. Zoro was on watch so it came to no surprise that his bunk was empty. But that didn't explain why there were _two_ empty hammocks. Dread settled in the pit of his stomach when he realized Luffy was missing.

Sanji had never jumped out of bed so fast in his life. He scaled the ladder, threw open the hatch and made a dash for the kitchen, his legs pumping in earnest. He was just about to kick the door off its hinges...only to find that he was already too late

The fridge was wide open, casting the kitchen in an eerie glow. Tipped over stacks of dishes lay scattered around Luffy, who was scarfing down anything and everything he could get his greedy little hands on. Luffy paused a fraction of a second, hackles rising on the back of his neck.

Luffy must've felt Sanji's murderous aura, because he soon began vacuuming food into his mouth like it was the last meal he would ever have again. Not a second later, Sanji wound his leg back and delivered a brutal kick to Luffy's gut which sent him sailing into the furthest wall.

Sanji followed up his attack with another sole to the same spot as before. If Luffy were a normal person, his ribs would've shattered upon impact. Luffy bent over, and gagged, simultaneously covering his mouth and stomach. His face turning a greenish tint.

"Ah ah ah. Remember; wasting food is a crime. Throw up, and I'll make you eat it." And it was no empty threat either. Sanji's eye's shown steely and merciless inciting Luffy to swallow the bile in his throat.

Sanji abandoned his side to survey the state of the fridge and pantry.

"We just restocked yesterday! And you ate relatively everything! Not only that but you broke some of my good dishes."

"Sorry, Sanji. I was really hungry." Luffy said without looking apologetic at all.

The temptation to kick Luffy again was strong, but the unruliness of the kitchen was irking him. "Get lost. I'll deal with you later," he spat at Luffy, who obeyed enthusiastically. Luffy probably thought he was getting away easy, but Sanji would be sure to get his revenge sooner or later.

While sweeping up the debris, Sanji debated on whether or not to buy a trap to prevent future mid-night raids. Of course there was no guarantee it would stop Luffy. However, that would result in money going down the toilet. Money that he could've used to invest in new tableware to replace the ones that Luffy broke. Sanji puffed in a new cig as he dumped the shattered china into the trash, and grumbled bitterly that the set had been his favorite.

One spotless kitchen later, Sanji emerged on deck. His mood didn't improve considering he still hadn't arrived to a solution yet. His leg bounced as he stood restlessly. At this rate he would be tossing and turning all night, unable to catch a wink of sleep. He needed to do something about it. And so he sought out someone to take his temper out on. Zoro seemed like the perfect target. He definitely deserved it for his piss poor job as lookout. Admittedly part of Sanji was still enraged at Zoro for stressing him out earlier, which only contributed to his explosive anger.

"Hey, Marimo!" Sanji hollered up to the crows nest.

When he didn't receive a reply, he decided to rouse the slacking swordsman. He swung his leg out, and pulled back before the full force of his kick met the mast. After all, it would be bothersome to upset Usopp if he were to snap the crow's nest in half.

"What's going on? Are we under attack?" Though the darkness made it hard to see, if Sanji squinted he could make out the shape of Zoro's spiky head poking over the railing of the crows nest. Zoro made a show of yawning loudly and scratching his haramaki to further annoy the cook.

"You! I was so angry that I completely forgot that this is your fault. Thanks to you, Luffy raided the fridge. What were you doing all this time? Watering that lawn on your head? You sleep nineteen hours a day on average, and you can't even stay awake during your shift as lookout?! Useless screw up moss head!" Sanji ranted, sorely tempted to kick something. Specifically Zoro. Even more specifically, he wanted to kick Zoro overboard and into the ocean.

"Stop nagging! I dozed off for a minute. Not my fault you can't protect the kitchen from Luffy." Zoro leaned an arm against the railing and his hand acted as support beam for his slumping head. His lazy movement caused Sanji to bristle.

"What was that? I'm a chef! I didn't know it was in the job description to stay up all hours of the night to guard the damn fridge."

"It's your job to keep the crew fed. And you know how Luffy is. You should've expected something like this would happen." Zoro actually had a point. But Sanji remained stubborn. Like hell he was going to admit defeat to Zoro.

"It's not just my problem, this affects everyone," the blond argued.

"Then figure out how to fix it." Zoro said like that was the most obvious and simple solution. "Or are you too distracted by ogling the women and Usopp to think straight?" Sanji's natural color drained from his face as the conversation took the most unlikely turn. "Don't try to deny it. You want to sleep with Usopp. I can tell by the looks you give him; you look at women the same way."

"That's none of your business." Sanji's reply sounded weak even to his own ears. Damn Zoro for catching him off guard.

Up until this instant they had been practically shouting at one another, or rather, Sanji had been the one yelling while Zoro maintained his composure. Now that Sanji's anger simmered down to a low flame, he was painfully aware of his surroundings and the implications should one of his crew mates overhear their conversation.

"Don't say anything else. I'm coming up." Sanji informed the other, already half way up the ladder. He braced himself for what was to come as he reached the top of the crows nest.

"Ok. Let's get this over with." Sanji stuffed his hands into his pockets and fought against the urge to tear his gaze away from Zoro's. The moss head in turn adjusted his stance. Sanji watched the outline of his arms cross in front of his chest.

"I don't wanna talk about this either," Zoro spoke with determination. "But as first mate I can't stand by and let you hurt Usopp and damage the crew."

Sanji's mind reeled from Zoro's perplexing statement.

"I don't want to hurt anybody. So whatever you're saying doesn't make sense." Sanji whispered lowly, fighting down the re-emerging anger.

"That doesn't mean you won't hurt Usopp by accident. He's the weakest out of all of us. If this is just an experimental phase of yours, it might screw with his head, and you can't lead him on like that. You have to be upfront with him from the start, and tell him all you're after is sex and not a relationship," Zoro said bluntly.

The mortifying impact of his words encouraged some color back into Sanji's face. This was a man he resented, and confusingly enough, revered at the same time. Which was what made this talk all the more embarrassing.

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation! And with you of all people!" Sanji lamented his misfortune. "Why couldn't it have been my lovely Robin-swan?" He glanced forlornly at the black sky.

"That right there is why I can't trust you to take this seriously. You're always flirting with everything that has tits. You're just going to bounce back to your old self and throw Usopp to the curb." Zoro growled.

And if Zoro was angry, Sanji was _enraged_. Sanji squared his shoulders and leaned into Zoro's space, forcing the other man to recoil backwards, which was an achievement in itself. His own uneasiness forgotten.

"Don't talk like you know everything!" Sanji hissed. He was hardly aware of his hands clenching into fists at his side. "I would never do anything to jeopardize the crew. That's the main reason why I haven't acted out on any of my urges around Usopp. And I don't plan to for that matter! I know something good when I have it, and I don't want to mess this up!" Sanji was breathing heavily by the end of his impassioned speech.

Zoro was eerily quiet, and his body motionless. Sanji pulled away from Zoro in case the man decided to spear his head onto one of his swords. Another moment of silence passed before Zoro eventually spoke. "Seems I underestimated you, cook."

"If that's your way of apologizing, you have a lot to work on, shit head"

Zoro grit his teeth with effort to restrain himself from returning Sanji's insult. It was like he was genuinely remorseful for his accusations. For once, Zoro was behaving somewhat civil. Well, as civil as a brute like him could ever strive to be.

The crease between Sanji's eyebrows eased, and the remaining trace of hostility drained between them. At least for the moment.

"It's stupid really." Sanji was babbling now. "We were both just talking about Usopp like he would actually fall for me, when we don't even know if he's into men or women."

"Or both." Zoro interjected. Those words shouldn't have made Sanji blush like he did, but with the way Zoro was looking at Sanji pointedly, made it clear he wasn't talking about just Usopp.

"Anyways, that's besides the point. Usopp already has that girl Kaya from his hometown he always talks about." Sanji's hand dived into his breast pocket to fish out a cigarette. The flame from his lighter briefly illuminated his face before he returned it to it's original hiding place.

For a while, Sanji smoked in companionable silence while watching the ocean, his back resting against the curved wooden wall of the crow's nest. The tip of his cigarette glowed red as he breathed in the toxic smoke. It couldn't have been longer than five minutes when he finished his cigarette, and tossed the butt into the tumbling waves.

"If you're worried about the crew's reaction, don't be. They probably won't care." Zoro said. And Sanji was left to decipher whether his words were meant to be reassuring or not. "No one will think differently about you. You're still the same moronic skirt chaser you've always been. Except you also chase pants once and awhile."

Sanji groaned.

"Do you hear yourself?"

If Zoro was trying to be funny he was doing an awful job at it. Sanji could honestly say he would find more enjoyment in watching a train crash.

Zoro shrugged, graceless as ever. His eyes slipped closed and he settled on the ground, crossing his legs in a meditative pose. Sanji interpreted his closed off body language as a sign that he had nothing else to say.

Sanji pushed off the wall, preparing to leave, when he decided to bid Zoro a proper goodnight.

"Don't tell anyone about this or you're dead meat." Sanji warned, though there was no real malice behind his tone. "And actually try and keep watch this time, you lazy asshole." Sanji called as he descended the ladder.

"Up yours!" Came Zoro's reply. Sanji grinned as he fleeted to the bunker to catch up on some much needed rest.

The next morning, Sanji organized a meeting and the entire crew gathered in the kitchen.

"Luffy got into the food supply again. Looks like we'll have to find land and restock as soon as possible."

Nami's look grew dark, and Sanji thanked heavens he wasn't on the receiving end of that terrifying glare. After the carrot haired woman finished beating Luffy to a pulp, she set her sights on Zoro.

"You were on lookout duty weren't you?" Zoro wasn't given a chance to reply before Nami took care of him in much of the same way as Luffy. Both men lay in a heap on the ground, nursing bruises and crushed spirits. "Do you realize how many belli that cost? To make matters worse, I have to spend even more belli to restock our supplies." She dug her high heeled foot into Zoro's back causing the swordsman to wince. "And if you think I'm not raising your debt for this you're wrong, Zoro."

Sanji figured their situation might not be so bad if all Nami was concerned about was the money.

"Oh my. I sure hope we don't starve to death." Robin said, and she frightened even Sanji with her cryptic smile.

Sanji blocked out the collective outburst of "Don't joke like that!" from Usopp and Chopper as Robin's words unintentionally provoked a haunted memory to resurface.

His time wasted on that stranded island in the middle of the ocean on that rock with Zeff flashed before his eyes. He would never forget the hollowness of his stomach, or the feeling of his body slowly deteriorating into sunken skin and bones. To suffer that kind of torture again... and together with his friends... Sanji didn't even want to think about it.

"Are there any islands in the area Nami-san?" Sanji was almost afraid to ask. Nami's affirmative nod allowed him to relax.

"We should arrive at the next island in a few days. Guess that means we'll be eating tangerines for every meal until then." She said.

"Don't fret! I know a few tangerine recipes. Luffy didn't eat any raw ingredients like flour, so I might be able to whip up some tangerine pie and muffins~" Sanji didn't want to let the crew down; he needed to let them know that even with limited ingredients he could still cook delicious meals.

"We may have to invest in a fridge with a padlock," Nami looked scandalized at the idea of parting with more money even though she suggested it herself. "But at the moment we don't have the expenses. In the meantime, Sanji, you're in charge of solving the Luffy infestation problem. Make sure nothing like this happens again." And with that, the meeting came to an end. Chairs groaned as everyone began standing up to leave.

"C'mon Chopper, want to see my latest invention?" Usopp's voice rang.

With that key phrase, the answer to the problem revealed itself. Sanji didn't know why he didn't think of it before.

"Usopp, wait up!" Sanji belted out.

He watched Usopp linger near the front of the room while he told Chopper he would meet up with him later. The rest of the crew filtered through the door until the two of them remained.

"I was wondering if you could help me with the food situation. Could you make a trap or something else? You're inventive and-" Sanji's poor attempt at a compliment was cut off by Usopp's boastful laugh.

"Say no more! Captain Usopp is on the job!" Usopp puffed out his chest and jerked a thumb towards himself. "Are you aware you're speaking to the master of snares? Back in my hometown, I'm well known as the beast man because of how many dangerous creatures I captured. This one time I..."

Sanji tuned out the rest of Usopp's extravagant tale. At this point he was supposed to tell Usopp to shut up. He didn't intentionally miss his cue, or make the conscious decision to become entranced by the captivating movement of Usopp's lips. They looked so pillowy. He was tempted to run his fingertips over them to gauge if they truly felt as soft as they looked.

"Sanji?" Usopp's uneasy tone dispersed the thoughts clouding his mind. He must have noticed Sanji staring at him.

"You... should get started on that trap right away! I'll fix you up a treat and bring it to you later to check on your progress." Sanji ducked out of the conversation fast, retreating from the kitchen to collect tangerines for breakfast.

\- o - o - o -

Hours later, Sanji announced his presence by rapping his knuckles against the door frame to Usopp's workshop. The last thing he wanted to do was startle Usopp while he was creating a potentially harmful device.

"Come in!" Came Usopp's muffled bellow.

Sanji peered inside the room, noticing Usopp's busy form kneeling in front of some obscured object. The reason was unclear to Sanji why Usopp utilized the space on the floor instead of his workbench, that is, until Sanji took a closer look and saw just how big Usopp's invention was. What ever Usopp was working on completely dwarfed the bench.

"How's the project going? I brought you a snack. Some leftover mochi and a tangerine smoothie."

Sanji waited expectantly for Usopp to race over and gobble everything Sanji prepared for him, but the guy hardly moved an inch. Sanji was put off when he was acknowledged with little more than a vague gesture towards the work bench.

"Set it over there." Usopp said without looking away from his invention. Sanji could do nothing else but what he suggested. "I'm almost done." Usopp informed him. Sanji tried to step behind Usopp to glance over his shoulder at the mysterious invention but the sniper stopped him. "Please don't come any closer. I don't want to accidentally trigger it."

With a quiet huff, Sanji gave Usopp the space he needed, and propped a new smoke into his mouth. He was watchful of the motions of Usopp's shoulders moving up and down as he worked. Usopp shifted forward on his knees to reach for a tool, and Sanji's eyes locked onto an area they shouldn't be. Usopp's normally baggy overalls stretched tightly around Usopp's hips, accentuating the curve of his backside and Sanji couldn't look away if he wanted to. The way Usopp swayed with the movement of his hands made it particularly hard for Sanji to resist mauling him. Usopp adjusted his position, settling back onto his legs and effectively cutting Sanji's pervy leering short. Needless to say, Sanji was disappointed.

Usopp tinkered around some more before pushing off the ground to stand with an, "Ok, its done." He stepped to the side to allow Sanji to scrutinize the object he'd been waiting for.

The first thing he noticed was the wooden platform and the slightly raised piece of plank protruding from the surface. Sanji followed the trail of thick metal bars that coiled around a rectangular shaped pipe held in place by a single bar. When he pulled away to take the whole thing in, he wasn't impressed.

"A mouse trap?"

"A giant mouse trap," Usopp corrected, grinning like he had just invented the most brilliant thing ever.

"Will it be strong enough to stop Luffy?" Sanji wondered out loud, looking from the device, back to Usopp.

"I'm worried about that too. Knowing Luffy, he might break it. If he does though, I could make another one in ten seconds flat. They're easy to make. Especially for a specialist like me! I wish we had some sea-prism stone. I could have made the bar out of it and that would've stopped him for sure." Sanji let Usopp ramble, only interrupting to make an occasional statement. He asked him how it worked, and Usopp told him that it could be set like a regular mouse trap. At some point Usopp started to move around carelessly, as if there wasn't a bone crunching trap at his feet.

"You should watch where you're going." Sanji instructed the younger man when he noticed his boot was dangerously close to the base of the trap.

"I, Captain Usopp, am always observant." Usopp took another heedless step forward and jutted his chin proudly.

"Aren't you stepping on the trigger?" Sanji pointed out, unhelpfully.

Usopp traced Sanji's line of vision to stare blankly at his own feet. A few seconds ticked by until realization dawned on him. The sniper leaped away with a horrified shriek, clinging to the closest thing in his proximity, which happened to be Sanji. The sound of his scream rose a few pitches higher when the sharp snap of the trap setting off met their eardrums.

Sanji all but dropped his cigarette while balancing Usopp's petrified frame. The slender arms anchoring his neck trembled. And Sanji was too stunned to do anything but stand still with his arms stiffly at his side.

When Usopp realized what-or rather who- he latched onto, he withdrew so sharply that he stumbled backwards and lost his balance, tumbling clumsily to the floor, and nearly flipping a bench.

A pronounced thud hit the ground, and Usopp scrambled away on his fingers and toes in a crab walk fashion. Sanji would've laughed at the display if he wasn't still recovering from the accidental hug.

"S-sorry, Sanji." Usopp cowered, thrusting his arms in front of his face in a pathetic attempt to protect himself.

Sanji puffed on his cigarette until he felt comfortable the first words out of his mouth wasn't a request for another embrace, or something equally embarrassing.

"I'm not going to kick you. It was an accident." And he enjoyed touching him, but he wasn't going to say that out loud.

Usopp squinted between the spaces of his fingers like he didn't believe him.

"You're not going to starve o-or poison me?" Sanji shook his head in response. Usopp's distrustful expression remained, though his arms lowered to his side inch by inch. His slow, unsure movements caused the cooks irritation to spike. Sanji didn't feel like wasting time trying to dispel Usopp's paranoia, that could take all day. Besides, there was another matter he had been thinking about. Now seemed like the perfect moment to bring it up.

"Should we discuss payment?"

"You want me to pay?" Usopp's eye's widened to the size of saucers.

"Are you a dumb ass? What do you want to compensate for your time?" It was then that he realized what he had asked had sounded like. Shit.

"Oh." Usopp chuckled nervously at his own mistake. "You don't have to give me anything. We're nakama. We help each other out. I'm just happy with the snack you gave me."

"You haven't even tried it yet." Sanji frowned around his cigarette.

"Yeah, but everything you make tastes amazing, Sanji." Usopp said more confidently. Nothing about Sanji's outward appearance would suggest the fact that he was actually beaming at Usopp's compliment.

"Then how about this: I'll make some of your favorite treats, and in exchange you supply me with mouse traps. Is it a deal?" In one smooth motion, Sanji's arm slipped from his pocket and stretched towards the sniper.

Usopp's calloused palm met his, and Sanji helped pull the man to his feet. With their hands still connected, Usopp gave his arm one firm shake, then his grip went slack.

Sanji saw a glint of something in Usopp's eye and recognized it as mischievous intent. Under any other circumstances he would've kicked the prankster, putting a stop to whatever he was planning early. Intrigued, Sanji's eyebrow arched, silently imploring Usopp to let him in on the scheme.

"So... you wanna test out the great Usopp's invention?"

"Why not? I haven't given Luffy his full punishment yet." Sanji agreed. "How does this plan sound? You distract him while I set up the trap in front of the fridge. You come up with some lie about finding meat in the kitchen. After that Luffy will probably barrel into the kitchen- most likely forgetting to turn on the light, which will cause him to run blindly into the trap."

"Aye aye! Good plan; I'll get started right away." Usopp saluted, his face splitting into an eager grin that was highly contagious. Sanji watched Usopp practically sprint towards the door in his excitement.

 _'He's such an idiot.'_ Sanji smiled fondly. He bent down, and reached for the massive mousetrap to tuck under his arm. He took long strides to catch up with Usopp to join him in a race towards the deck.

* * *

 **I know I took some liberties when I wrote that Usopp makes the mouse traps. (In the anime Sanji buys them. I have no clue if this differs in the manga.) But Usopp made Nami's clima-tact for gods sake. I think a giant mouse trap is within his capabilities.**


End file.
